Looking for Avalon

2007-02-08T13:02:00.000-08:00

I'm Bridge Over Troubled Water!

Which Simon and Garfunkel album are you?

2007-01-29T07:39:00.000-08:00

you'll be aight...

One of my friend from high school posted this phrase as her away message this morning. I, as a compulsive away message checker, read it, even though we have not kept in contact since high school. and it struck a chord with me, no idea why. I think I'm hyper-emotional or something.

No matter what shit you have to go through or put yourself through in life, somewhere, you have to believe that "you'll be aight."

Corny? Cliche? True?

2007-01-22T06:23:00.000-08:00

Whenever I see the first name of a doctor I am sending a letter to at work, I am shocked when the doctor ends up being a woman.

Even though I am a feminist and my doctor is a woman and always has been.

Proof that we still live in a patriarchal society? According to my American Rhetoric class: yes.

2007-01-05T11:49:00.000-08:00

Answer me this: What's the use of stories that aren't even true?

I've been reading the fantastic young adult book Haroun and the Sea of Stories by Salman Rushdie for the past three months. It was originally assigned to me by my Kiddie Lit Club, where we read a children's book of the group's choosing every month. I sort of dropped the ball on the due date, but was very interested in reading the book.

I finally finished Haroun this past weekend in my basement abode up north. It was a delightful tale of adventure, creativity, family bonds and above all: the art of story-telling. The entire tale was an allegory for Rushdie's life as an author in the censored Middle East. He wrote it for his son, from whom he had been separated as a political prisoner. It was very heart-warming and despite everything, hilarious.

The above is a quote from the book that popped up every once in awhile and was a constant theme in the book. The book was a fantastical tale that of course wasn't all true, so why would this phrase be in there? To affirm that stories are worthwhile.

Being someone who wants to get involved in the publishing business and is still wide-eyed and idealistic about the entire process, I think that literature, stories, and the telling and re-telling of these important tales (in any and every language) is the essence of being human.

Without creativity, what are we?
Without passion, without art, without SOUL, what ARE we?

2007-01-05T11:30:00.000-08:00

HEL LOOKS

http://www.hel-looks.com/

This is a fun website. I love Nordic lifestyles...and getting a glimpse into what people in Finland do and wear is fascinating. I hope to go there next summer (08) when I'm traveling around Europe. Berlin and Helsinki are supposedly some of the greatest cities to shop in for "scene" style.

So far my MUST DO list while studying abroad in france is:

1. Go Skiing in the Alps
2. Never speak in English except to parents on the phone
3. Have sex with a hot french guy (hopefully a lot)
4. Get a mod french haircut in Paris (really short), dye it black or red
5. Swim in the Mediterranean
6. Go to the D-Day beaches
7. Take an Italian or Swedish or Greek or Russian language class
8. Go clubbing with French young people
9. Write poetry in french about france
10. Buy lots of foreign language music and movies
11. Go to every art museum that's near me at any given time
12. Discover the local music scene
13. Get my parents to come to France and show them around the wine country
14. Go to Italy (visit Whitney?)
15. Go to Germany (visit Robby/Jeannie?)
16. Go to Switzerland
17. Go to Sweden, Norway, and Finland
18. Go to Spain
19. Stop in England on the way home
20. Stop in Iceland on the way home
21. Take pictures of everything
22. Become fluent in textbook french, learn the local slang
23. Learn at least 1 new language
24. Love it the whole time

2007-01-03T08:23:00.000-08:00

Remember: "Jesus is the reason for the season"

This Christmas season, my family received an abundance of christmas cards from all of the estranged family and friends in my parent's lives. It's odd to me that we receive so many Christmas cards when we don't send one out ourselves (I could say it's because we're all busy, or because we aren't really religious, but the fact is, none of us have exciting things going on that we feel the need to share our lives with people across the nation).

I particularly enjoy going through these cards and reading the extra personal messages that people write in them. Most I have never met, some I haven't even seen pictures of, so it's like opening a book to a middle chapter and reading a snippet of the text with no idea what the rest of the plot is like. Some of the cards are from people that are friends with my grandfather and want to "check in" with my mom to make sure she is praying for his health and remind her that they are praying for him and for our family. I'm not sure if my mother prays or not, but I do know that she believes in praying.

Reading these cards made me wonder what I would write in a Christmas card if I were so inclined to write one. Who would I send it to? Would it include phrases like "Peace on Earth", "God Bless You and Your Family this Holiday Season", or "Happy Holidays from Ours to Yours"? Would it include a awkwardly posed family portrait, us in front of our fake Christmas tree, or our new house? Going along with the tone of Christmas cards, mine would say something along these lines:

Dearest Friends:

We hope this card reaches you in good health, spirits, and company this holiday season.

With the Christmas hustle and bustle, we have taken time to reflect on our past year. We are so thankful to still have Marvin in our lives, he is still plugging along as resilient as ever and has found himself in an assisted living facility that he finds very comfortable. Lila is living with him and is scheduled to meet with a cardiologist about her heart after the holiday season. We are blessed to still have the two in our lives.

The eldest graduated from the University of Michigan this past year and finds himself in Chicago with a job that he loves and allows him to sample fine cuisine and life lessons.

We have recently finished work on the house up north and spend as much time as possible up there. It is very nice this time of year, although we wish for more snow!

Our youngest has been searching for fulfillment and recently taken up the post as a Ski Instructor which she is due to start after the holidays. She has been doing very well in school.

All of our best and remember that our thoughts are with you.

If I could write it I would say:

Dear Friends and Family I have never met before:

I hope you are well, and please send me pictures so I can put a face to a Christmas card. If you want, you can facebook me so we can keep in closer contact.

Our family is still plugging along, although the nucleus has begun to unravel.
The eldest has recently graduated from a life of endless partying and unmeaningful, arduous, and long relationships and moved on to a life of loneliness, self-reliance, and endless binge solo drinking in Chicago. He is fortunate to be getting a taste of "snooty-tooty" life we had not been able to offer him before. He is using this increase in status to smoke fine cigars and drink lots and lots of expensive liquor. He still falls back into the arms of conniving girls that use him for location and sexual comfort.

The mother has unfortunately refused to quit smoking, and reached a crossroads in her career, only to settle for what she already had. She spends her days playing TextTwist online, looking at pictures of dogs, and quilting.

The father has continued to be stressed out, but finds release in going up north, taking sleeping pills with a glass of wine every night, and sleeping on the couch with the TV on. He spends his time buying wine, watching football, and analyzing other people's lives to escape his own grievances.

Then we reach the daughter, who has continued to cause grief and turmoil within the family. They family continues to baby her and protect her from "real-life" problems such as death, leaving her feeling empty and anxious. She continues to have trouble establishing lasting relationships and fixes her problems by moving, moving, moving, and moving again. She is doing well in school for absolutely no reason, and has little to no interest in future plans. She spends her days feeling sleep deprived, worrying, crocheting scarves, and getting coughed on by little kids.

We hope that you have a good Holiday Season, whoever you are, and please don't die anytime soon.

And, of course, remember: Jesus is the Reason for the Season.

With Love from ours to yours....

2007-01-03T07:42:00.000-08:00

I'm still trying to think of better things to do with this blog than sit around and whine.

I could discuss how evil Apple is for making shitty products like the iPod that suck people into a mass consumerism culture, make them totally reliant upon the technology only for it to die after a little more than a year (which is when the warranty ends) so they can either go back to carrying around buckets of CDs or spend another 300 dollars.
After an excrutiating two months without my iPod, I've decided to buy a new one. Goodbye Sky Harbor...

(shit that was whining)

Or I could talk about my new job....
Being a ski instructor is definitely a new and completely foreign experience for me. Every day I am overwhelmed by my decision to take this job that takes me three hours away from what I know and find comfortable every single weekend only to plop me back there and expect everything to be the same. I can't decide if this job will be incredibly good for me...or if it will make established relationships fade. Of course it will prevent any new relationships from forming. This is troublesome when I think of my living situation for next semester. At least I'll be closer to my highschool friends and can fall back on my crutch at any time mon-thurs.

I also have so much responsibility at this job. I think it will really help me grow up emotionally. I have to be the caregiver of these kids and also I have to be their teacher. Me...someone's teacher. HA. At least I'm teaching the thing that I'm irrefutably good at. And apparently some people like me because they give me generous tips. It's a very hard transition, a very demanding job, and very draining with the long drives and constant moving and energy that the job require. I will not let it make my grades suffer. It's also a hard transition because the people I work with are so different from me, and not in easily recognizable ways that you find in college. A lot of people have no ambition beyond this job, while I am using it as a stepping stone to get away from home and learn about the world. So, most are vastly older than me, or they are high school students from the area. (So much for finding a beautiful skiing boyfriend ;))

A stepping stone, yes, but a stepping stone that will ruin my current life? We will see.

2006-12-13T12:14:00.000-08:00

I am sooooo done with all that HIGH SCHOOL BULLSHIT I put up with and helped create/linger over there.

Hello new college experience.

My stress level has gone waaay down in a matter of hours, my entire body no longer hurts from anger, frustration, depression, and I never have to see those people again if I don't want to!

...only down side I left all of my clean clothes there and am stuck with dirty everything (except undies!) until thursday when I can get the rest of my shit and my washer at home in fixed.

moving on.

2006-11-30T11:10:00.000-08:00

To Do

http://www.todolistblog.blogspot.com/

blogs like this make me want to do something with my blog that's more than just bitching. I think I'm going to start taking pictures of the birthday cards I make for people. People always really like them, and they are usually creative.

2006-11-22T10:31:00.000-08:00

A lot of things are bothering me right now, and some of them are things I shouldn't be asked to deal with because they are other people's problems.
Hopefully soon (or at least next semester) I will not be a part of any of it any longer. I'll be going away every weekend to ski. If not to work, then I'll just go to my ski resort and ski alone. Being away so much, the few ties I had will slowly fade (because we were never that close anyways) and I can truly focus only on school work and real friendships.
If this sounds selfish, I guess it is. I need to take care of myself because other people cannot or will not. And I cannot be dragged down with them, wherever they may go.

Countdown to france: 13 months
Countdown to quebec: 6 months

well, I should get cracking on finding internships. I can't spend another summer here. I don't know what would happen, but it wouldn't be good.

2006-11-20T06:48:00.000-08:00

This weekend was horrible. I was let down by and let down so many men this weekend. How am I ever going to be okay with guys when they keep treating me like this?

Some of my friends say I need more confidence. But how can I build confidence when horrible people keep trying to break it down?

I will break some day. The question is not why, but when.

I wrote a poem dedicated to my best friend on Friday. I think it was the most important piece to write, maybe not the best, but I think that writing it...and sharing it will be really good for me. I've learned that you cannot let your past define you, especially as much as I have let mine. But if your past doesn't define you, what does? Or can people not be defined as easily as words, etc?

2006-11-06T06:50:00.000-08:00

The faerie sits just beyond the copse
blending in with her surroundings
and almost invisible
she lays her hand upon her knee
and sighs.
a gust of wind numbs her fingers
and bitterness creeps into her thoughts.
A bitterness of no use.
A fawn grazes close by;
a mourning dove cries.

Gone in vain are her countless years
for all of this will disapeer.

the dream is over...over...
But how long can I pretend that everything is still okay? I fear the day that simon and garfunkel songs stop making sense.

I think I look kinda pretty today. Maybe they will notice me. It'll make me panic and vomit. But I still want it.

do you still think I'm dead inside?

2006-11-05T00:30:00.000-08:00

please don't toy with my emotions anymore. Any of you.

The way I toy with you.

I've been figuring out and realizing a lot of shit lately. I just can't be this anymore. I just can't. But I am....the bad thing is...I am.

After changes upon changes we are more or less the same. Can people change? Or will they just slip back into what they really are? Me, I have proven that they cannot. Or maybe I'm just a creature of habit. Mainly bad. Biting my fingernails is the best of it.

I keep telling myself that I just need something different. I just need to get away from this from everything from okemos from east lansing from msu from my parents from my "friends" from my exs from my presents from this it life.

and make my own life.

I'm just afraid that when I get there, to my own life, I'll be the same.

I can't stand to be the same any longer. Even everything I've made to make me happy makes me sadder because it can't make me happy anymore.

I hate it when my journals turn into this. And they always do. Nothing ever changes...I just proved my own point to myself.

2006-11-03T09:19:00.000-08:00

If you try to be close to people, they always just end up letting you down. And you always just end up curling up in a ball and blocking out the world.

I've been blocking out the world for far too long.

The drudgery of every day monotony

2006-11-02T10:03:00.000-08:00

The things I like best about winter: [a poem. numerically ordered. listed. search for creativity and chaos within the absolute structure.]

1. Accidentally inhaling snowflakes, sending a sensation like no other high straight to your lungs, brain, soul.

2. Gusts of wind that blow your skirt over your head. You begin to wonder why you wear skirts in the first place.

3. Ice storms blanketing the trees, buildings, berries in icicles that sparkle in the sunlight. When they snap and fall more than 5 feet, the sound is shocking. It gladdens me.

4. Tiny snowflakes that look like pellets of ice. They get in your hair and make it look like you have dandruff.

5. Big, dusty snowflakes that fall ever so perfectly on your tongue. They get caught in your eyelashes and only laughing will help them escape.

6. The sun coming out after long periods of darkness.

7. The Christmas Tree Farm. Killing an innocent tree that was doomed since germination. I go for the hot cocoa and the chance to romp around with my dog. Taking the tree home and propping it in the window. Dressing it in twinkly lights, garland, and shiny ornaments. They hide the deadness. (When it's brown we throw it away.)

8. Slolam skiing. Falling on my head after a rut I knew I could have avoided, but I really just wanted to lose a ski and hit hit hit the ground.

9. Taking off all my clothes after a long day of skiing. Rubbing the red marks all over my legs from the knee braces that bind me to my fate. I can count the stitching. Getting in the shower and laying on the floor, letting the heat beat against my back like a drum. Falling asleep there. (what about water conservation?)

10. Wind burn. It shows that you are living.

11. Shopping for other people's Christmas presents and spending more than you intended knowing you are going to make someone smile.

12. Sledding with trashbags even though you're older than 95% of the people at the sledding hill.

13. Listening to the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs and the Smashing Pumpkins on the chairlift, lost in thought.

14. Making fresh footprints in the snow. Undiscovered territory.

15. Looking at Christmas Lights and houses we could never afford in White Hills Lake on Christmas Eve with my family. My brother yells at me as I sing carols. Heated seats. Fake deer with twinkly lights in most of the yards.

16. Getting icecream even though it is negative 5 outside with a windchill. Mint chocolate chip and butter pecan mixed together.

17. Laying in bed all day waiting for the sun. It never comes.

18. Eating snow. Avoiding yellow snow. Burying my face into my dog's fur and making snow angels in my backyard.

19. Hot chocolate with marshmallows. Carnation instant breakfast when I don't feel like eating.

20. Whispering 'I love you,' 'God will save me,' underneath the covers.

2006-10-31T08:58:00.000-08:00

This Halloween will be a day for disguises.
Just don't look beneath my mask and everything will be fine.
[look beneath my mask]
[take off all my clothes]
I will not eat candy today.
I will not eat today.
[like yesterday]
Today I won't be dizzy.
And I'll dance, and be merry, and wish you a Happy Halloween.
Today, with my false appearence, I will begin to
[tell the truth].

2006-10-30T17:38:00.000-08:00

Est-ce que tout est de ma faute?

2006-10-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

"Kathy I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping. "I'm empty and aching and I don't know why."

You, my dear, are an inveterate bitch.

2006-10-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

The worst scariest night of my life. [true story]

I probably don't have time to write about this right now, but I really need to get it out. This will probably be straight facts just so I have them SOMEWHERE but I'll write creatively about it more to help me heal.

I had previously agreed to go to a Halloween party in Grand Rapids with my friend. On Saturday my friend (we'll call her X) picked me up and we were revved to go. The party was that of X's girlfriend/ex-girlfriend (complicated relationship). I had asked X numerous times if she was okay to go to the party and if the girlfriend (we'll call her Y) wanted us there. To both she adamantly responded 'yes'. I have been good friends with X since 8th grade and had no reason to doubt her or not feel safe with her.

On the way, we pick up some of X's friends from work whom I don't know. We start going to Grand Rapids. On the way, X makes a couple phone calls to Y and every time after they hang up she screams "WHAT A BITCH". I start to get worried that they aren't actually on good terms. Finally, we get to Grand Rapids and get to the apartment. Y and her roommate and friend are there getting ready for the party. X and Y seem to be a little strained but on pretty good terms. I could still tell that X was not okay with SOMETHING but I didn't know what. I decided I was there to have a good time and would make her have a good time with me. I get ready and my costume is hot and awesome. People begin to arrive at the party.

X's friends call her and they say that since the apartment is on campus (it's a closed campus) they can't park there. X proceeds to leave to get them without me. I'm all alone at a party with absolutely no one I know (besides Y, but we've only met a couple times), no way to leave, and my wallet/some other possessions are in X's car. I get a little nervous, but I'm sure she's coming back. I sort of mingle while she's gone; everyone is super nice but I'm really shy so I only really talked to a certain group of people. I am introduced to the music of the Brazilian Girls. Fantastic and sometimes French.

After about an hour, X returns with friends and claims she had to park really far away. This means we are going to be there until we decide to leave in the morning and someone sober can drive us back to our car. At this point, that doesn't bother me. But X keeps looking like she's not quite okay with our situation. X and Y are talking though, so I thought everything was under control.

Creepy guy starts to hit on me. I make fun of him as always, me and some other people encourage him to drink more and he drinks to the point of throwing up (I felt bad about that afterwards). After throwing up, he continues to hit on me. Gross. Y's roommate shoos him away from me and I go mingle w/ some of the people I have met that aren't quite as sloppily drunk.

At about 1 am a guy approaches me and starts to talk to me. He doesn't seem that drunk and seems fairly intelligent, so I humor him and engage in a sometimes personal, sometimes political conversation with him. All personal on his end, of course. This guy ends up following me around for the rest of the party. I think he thought I would give him some if he followed me around or something. He later asked me to leave the party with him to "go on a walk" and I refused outright. He continued to hit on me until I told X to tell him to leave so we could go to bed.

I skipped something. Earlier, X was convinced that Y told her we couldn't stay at the apartment anymore. She became livid (especially since we had nowhere to go) and decided to go sleep in Y's bed. X began to stomp around a lot, and I could tell she was upset so I kept telling her to come and play video games with me or talk to me, or just crash on the couch next to me so we could avoid conflict.

X goes outside for about the bazillionunth smoke of the night (it is somewhere around 3 or 4 am) and some people including Y are crashing in the living room. Y gives me a mattress, pillow, and blankets so I can settle down for the night. I go to check on X because she is still outside. She is standing out there shaking so hard because it was so cold and I demanded she come inside. She comes in and stomps around. She and Y go upstairs. Y comes back downstairs about 15 mins later. I ask if everything is okay. Y says that they broke up about a week ago and X was having a hard time realizing that. I apologized for coming because I hadn't known but Y was very nice and said that she had had a good time with me. X stomps downstairs and locks herself in the bathroom. Y tells me to ignore her because she is just trying to get attention. Y and her friends go upstairs. I am now alone downstairs with X in the bathroom and some drunk guy passed out on the couch. I start to get nervous that X is still in the bathroom because she has been prone to self-mutilation and suicide in the past. I begin to knock on the door a lot. No answer. I go upstairs to tell Y and she tells me to just go to bed and ignore it. I can't. I knock on the door and try to get X to come out. Finally, she does. She goes upstairs and I have no idea what happens but she comes down with a ring in her mouth ready to swallow it. She gave the ring to Y as a present once. I made her spit it out. She proceeds to kick the hell out of the door. I think she's just getting her frustrations out so I let her do it twice and then tell her to stop. So, instead of kicking the door she proceeds to run into the wall at top speed with her head. It was so hard it made such a loud "cracking" sound that I was amazed she didn't pass out. She did this three times before she stopped. The entire time I was standing right next to her and screaming at her to stop. I am freaking out at this point because I don't know how to handle the situation. I can't intervene with what she's doing because I'm scared she'll hit me, too. So I just watch helplessly. She proceeds into the kitchen. I'm still standing in the living room stunned. Out of the corner of my eye I see her pick up a bottle and smash it against the counter. I am so stunned. I scream, "What the hell are you doing?! Stop it!" But she just proceeds to break as many beer bottles as she can find. Then, with one she starts to cut at her fingers until blood drips out and starts to shake the blood everywhere. At this point I lose it. I think I had a mental breakdown. I don't remember exactly what I do, but I was bawling and someone carried me upstairs. The next thing I realize, Y is holding me and telling me I'm going to be okay. I sit on the stairs and scream and cry and scream and cry, "Why the fuck is this happening why is this happening" over and over again.

Everyone else rushes downstairs to subdue X. I follow a short while later but I don't see what goes on because I don’t' have shoes on and I was afraid of getting broken glass in my feet. I hear Y screaming at X and then two boys intervening as X tries to hit Y "Are you going to hit me, huh? Okay hit me like you have all those other times. I'm used to it!" Y exclaims. Then the boys screaming "What the fuck you come into someone's house and do this? Calm down, calm the fuck down."

I am sitting in the corner of the living room shaking while all this is happening. All I'm thinking is I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home why is this happening.

At some point, X is placed in the bathroom with a girl she knows and they stay in there for around an hour. Everyone else is cleaning up the kitchen. I'm sitting in the living room shaking and crying. Calling my "best friend" who doesn't pick up...who never picked up.

As I start to come down a little and start to get a little less hysterical, I begin to realize my situation. X, my ride back home, home two hours away, X unable to even move, me not knowing how to drive a stick, me knowing absolutely no one except the lunatic in the bathroom, even if I did find a ride home, my things stuck in her car, not knowing where the car is, I"M STUCK.

Stuck. Here. With these strangers. The nicest people, but still, strangers. I could never ask them to keep me there for a while or take me home or anything. I could never. I was completely reliant upon X, who was bleeding and hyperventilating in the bathroom. X, who put me in this situation knowing that she reacts like this, knowing that Y didn't want her there, knowing I had no way home but her, knowing I KNOW no one but her.

Friend comes out of the bathroom and says X wants to talk to me. I go in there and she's sitting on the floor. I sit down. She apologizes. What the hell am I supposed to say to that, it didn't even sound sincere. I say nothing. She says that we are going to go to her friend's house for the night, and that she was going to take all of the stuff she had left at Y's apartment before we left, and she didn't want Y in the apartment while she was doing it. I couldn't believe how incredibly selfish she had acted and was still acting. The only things on her mind were possessions she had lived without for over a year already? All of a sudden those are more important than her life or my own? I begin to get very angry. I don't say anything though. I tell her to not make a big deal if they don’t' let her scour their house at 6 am for things that are hers after she caused such a scene. I was dumbfounded. Never had I seem so intent on such selfish, selfish things before. She went on and on about convincing her mom to let her keep the hamster she was going to bring back. It's like she had already forgotten what she had done only an hour earlier.

I leave the bathroom and go sit w/ Y. Y's roommate goes into bathroom. Comes back out with a list X has made of all the things she wants before we leave. I get really mad, I'm like no we are not getting all that right now. X consents to wait for her stuff until the next morning. We leave and head over to the friend's apartment.

As soon as we get there I shove X in the shower because she's shivering. The friend decides she's not going to sleep IN HER OWN apartment for the night, and leaves me completely alone with X. Who I feel so betrayed by. Who I am afraid of. Who I cannot control. And I am alone in a strange city in a strange apartment with only my cell phone and the clothes on my back. I start to have a panic attack.

I lay on the couch to try to subdue whatever I'm feeling. X has been in the shower now for more than a half hour. I just keep thinking to myself what if she found something and killed herself with it. what would I do? I'm all alone, and I can't tell the police where I am, and I'm a blubbering mess. I'd be trapped trapped trapped.

X comes out of the shower. She sits down across from me and I just stare at her while she tries to justify her actions saying basically that it was all Y's fault she acted that way. All Y's fault for refusing to be abused? side note: I couldn't believe I was friends with someone who treats their significant other that way. I felt nauseous for even listening to her. The reality is, I did have a mental breakdown. I couldn't be myself. I couldn't stand up for what I thought was right, I couldn't get in the way of her fist when she was punching people. Because I realized that in her state, she would leave me, leave me, leave me. All alone. I panicked and silently went along with everything she demanded just so I could get home. Does that make me a bad person?

She promised me she was going to check herself into the hospital when she got home. She claimed she liked it better there anyways. All she wants to do is cradle her weaknesses, her disease, her sadness, and her anger. She doesn't really want to get better She kept saying she wanted to change.

"Do you really think I can get better?"
*long pause*
"If you try." Because really, that's the only way you can.

At 8 am I called her mom because X decided she couldn't drive home. Her mom claimed she couldn't get there until at least 1030. I began to panic. I can never describe how uncomfortable I was in that unfamiliar setting with a potentially dangerous and potentially suicidal person for my only company. I began to cry and cry and cry again. X asked me what was wrong. I said I just wanted to go HOME.

I don't know if you can understand how hopeless I felt. None of my friends at school have cars, at least none that I felt would actually be real friends to me and come and pick me up. My "best friend" wouldn't come pick me up because he would be "too tired" or "too busy" My parents were 4 hours away. I don't know if you can comprehend how unbelievably trapped I felt, and that's why I was freaking out so much. I think I even began making promises to god if I could just get out of there. I was desperate and having a panic attack. X called her mom to tell her to hurry. She still said that we should wait around for Y and her roommates to get up so we could get all the things she had at Y’s house. I was so upset. Does she care more about a fucking video game than herself or me? I refused to wait and said I wanted to go home right away. I was so not in the right state of mind; I was ready to walk. As long as it got me away from her and away from Grand Rapids. All I could think about was my puppy and my parents and how I hadn’t realized I loved them until it was too late.

X's mom got there at 11. I had stopped blubbering by that point and I just felt numb. I just wanted to get back to my dorm. I got my stuff out of X's car. Beer had been spilled on it and things in my wallet, etc. were ruined. It took us an hour and a half to get back to my dorm. I go into my former roommate's room. I go into my room. I call a mutual friend of X's and mine. I tell her, I break down again. I hang up. Former roommate comes in and hugs me for an indefinite amount of time. I can't speak. I'm so relieved and still so scared. I take a shower, wash my things, and go to sleep. When I woke up I tried to do homework. That's something that is almost never affected by my emotions. I can become a machine and do it. I've been a machine for about a week now.

Later that night I called my parents. My dad picked up. I started bawling. He listened to my story, and then just passed it to my mom. Sometimes I wish my dad were better at comforting me. We talk about academics politics and sports. He has plenty of depth but the father daughter connection is just no there. Or maybe that’s all a father daughter connection can be: academics, politics, and sports. Maybe that's why I always reach out to my guy friends to connect to me emotionally. Lol now I'm getting into psychology of molly?

That night...looking back...it really was the scariest of my life. I haven't been sleeping well. I’m going to have to sleep alone for the first time since then, we'll see if I panic. I don't know how I'm allowed to feel, either. Am I allowed to be mad at X for putting me in that situation? Or do I have to just sit back and forget my feelings because technically she is sick?
[I'm bitter and mad and I don't think I'll be the same.]

Reflecting...that night made me realize either how completely sane I am...
or
it drove me crazy.

I wrote Y a facebook note after I had calmed down:

Y, I am so embarrassed about last night. I just want you to know that you are wonderful and don't deserve to be treated that way. Ever. X is my friend but what she did last night was beyond belief, and the fact that you deal with that a lot shows me how strong you are. I hope that everything works out for the best for you. Thanks so much for taking care of me. You and your friends are amazing, wonderful people.

And she wrote me back:

Don't be embarrassed about what X did. I was too, at first, but you know what... we shouldn't be. We didn't make her do that. She makes her own decisions, and she should be embarrassed. She was the one out of control, not us. I am very sorry that you had to see that, though. I hope you are feeling better and that you had a good night before all that happened. Thank you for everything you said. You are just as amazing and wonderful as the rest of us. I hope you know that.

And I broke down again.

It’s four days later and it’s fucking 3 in the morning and I’m still obsessing over it. One of my friends told me I wasn’t alone and I should have called her. I maybe should have done a lot of things. It’s sad that it takes something like this to realize who you can really count on. And I know that one of those people is not myself.

2006-10-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

http://www.kirjasto.sci.fi/gsand.htm

I want to read some of her books...in french.

2006-10-19T08:29:00.000-07:00

we grappled
and dappled the city's streets
with our dreams
of torment,
abuse;
therefore, success.

2006-10-17T19:52:00.000-07:00

2006-10-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

These past couple weeks have been very hectic. So many projects and tests to do and be due, I wanted to pull my hair out. I'm still not caught up on homework and need to do it all TODAY because I won't want to do any work while I'm in Chicago.

Too much stuff in my life is incredibly up in the air right now. It makes me feel out of control...and we know what happens when I'm not in control.

At least work this week has been anything but stressful. I've been the only secretary and there's no copying or anything to do. I just sit and stalk people on facebook, email all the stupid people who NEVER email me back, and read read read. I read roomie's book Nine Stories this week and it was fantastic. I love J.D. Salinger. Probably the only stream of consciousness writer I don't get annoyed with. Right now I'm finishing up Salman Rushdie's Haroun and the Sea of Stories which is a really cute book that parallels the conflicts going on in Kashmir and India.

I can't wait for tomorrow. It'll be a blast, and it won't cost me any money :-)

(Sometimes I hate it when books are made into movies.)

2006-10-03T11:26:00.000-07:00

I get really sharp, lightning-fast headaches all the time.

and I don't write in this blog anymore. I guess I've been too busy, and I also like my other journal, so I try to write in there.

I should write a real poem or story, just to make sure I still can.

2006-09-15T20:04:00.000-07:00

Why do all my friends want to die?